This entry may not be suitable for happy and cheerful people as it contains disappointment, anger and tears. I believe most of the people out there have, used to have and going to be a mother. I am going to talk on my perspective as a daughter because I am way to far from being a mother.
Growing up in my family is tough not because we are lacking in financial but affection and love are lacking here. Don't judge I am not grateful but this situation here shapes who I am today and in the future so I need to find the solution to reduce the effect. I don't know if this is the culture in Malay society or Malaysian culture but this is what happened in my family; we are prone to showing less of our love towards each other but showing respect is a most till I came out with a theory that I respect my parents because I have to not because I love to.
There is no compliment and praise in my family even I'm doing excel in school. There is no hug and kiss. There is no bonding time like sitting and discussing what happened in one another's day or week plus no pep talk. I used to tell my mother about problems in school, friends and boys but I got scolded so I stop talking to her. I would always love to have time talking to her about life of an independent woman but she just shut me out. When ever I wanted to help her in the kitchen she would always kick me out but rather letting my sissy and brother helping her out. She would always complaining I didn't help her much doing chores. What on earth! I do the laundry, sweep the floor, brush the toilet, scoop cat shit and wax the floor and yet she said I'm not helping her at all. One thing that I can't understand until now, how come she can smile and laughing when my sissy and brother around but getting sour and jumpy when with me? You tell me how can I growing up in this situation without hurting our relationship?
As I'm getting older and left home for study; not seeing each other very much in a year, our relationship is preserved in a good way. There is no shouting, door slamming and even tears. When we were on the phone, I could casually saying I miss her and I love her but We don't do it when we were face to face. I am comfortable getting away. Where is the paternal responsibility here? Oh, my father would always come between us when mom and I quarrelling. He didn't say much but his presence would clear the mess. He would take me away from mom and cheer me out rather consoling my mother until one day I am getting so comfortable talking to him about our problems, my problems and my mom's problems. His only answer was 'I married to her for more than 30 years now, we don't talk when we have the problem with one another and we just shut each other's down. If I can stand with her this long, you could stay with her to. We both can change her but we can try the least by adapting with her even though she isn't always right. She is your mother after all'.
Recently, we had the third biggest quarrel. My sissy is getting into college and I had to do her administration including financial support seeking. One day, I talked to mom, why is it only me stressing out of sweat and run the errands, it is not me who is going to uni this time? She replied ' you know what, if you are not sincerely doing this then you better stop, you are her sister and that is your job as a family!' I was totally upset with her, slammed the car's door and walked towards the bank. When I came out, she is gone. When I called her, she didn't answer. I called my dad and here she came. She was in tears and hell mad at me. She was throwing lots of anger and words. One thing that I remembered the most was ' What have I done in the past to be given a child like you, I prayed all nights so you can be a good child of mine but why you ended up like this, so ungrateful and rude. It is so disappointing to have a child like you and why don't you just kill if you don't like your stupid mother, I am your stupid mother that is what you always think of me. Why you would always comparing how I treat my children, why you think I treat you differently.' By the way, dad called in the middle of the fight, tears were all over my face and he heard my mother and told me to pull over. My mom did pull over and kick me out of her car and later my dad picked me up.
After that fight, I had less spoken with her and to be in one room with her is so awkward. There is no sorry after I said 'good bye ma' when she kicked me out. We did act normally as mother and daughter because that is what we supposed to do. Mom playing her role as a mother and I am playing mine as a daughter. Until today, I can't look her in the eyes and she is showing some signs that she doesn't want me near. Since my sissy left, I can count how many times we ate together. She always leave me while she's going for shopping or somewhere. She is totally shut me out of her zone. My mother refused to bonding with me.
The aftermath, if I were married one day with my other half, I don't want to have a child. The impact of what she did to me, I don't want it happens to my children. I don't want them to feel how I feel; ignored, unloved, divided, left behind. If this is karma, I don't want it to cycle in my family and my generation. I need to stop that.
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