My Every First: Transport Accidents

Assalammualaikum and Hi People,

Todayyy, I would like to talk about my first experience of transport accident. Thankfully it was not a bloody shed missing limb kind of accident. I was and am still in one piece and saved and sound even though my hands and legs trembled and went numb. I have three stories here but I will let you decide which one is going to be my first encounter.

Story 1

When I was a kid, I kept changing school. I did not know why but I believed my parents knew what they were doing. At the age of 7, I went to a private school somewhere near my house. Both of my parents went to work and I was left with my nanny. Every morning, the academy's van would fetch me and I was the first one so I would have to seat in front at the passenger seat. One thing I could remember being in the van was the speed. The driver was a lunatic. She had drove recklessly and gave us heart attack at the young age of 7. One unlucky morning, while travelling on our routine route heading to the school, she had drove at 70KM/hour(guessed) and was going to make a turn. Without any further hesitation, she made a turn and ramped into a motorcyclist. It was a young man and he was flown a few metres in the air due to the hard impact right in front of my eyes.  I was so shock and my head bang-ed the dashboard. Even though it happened in a quick seconds but I remembered everything. I heard my friends cried and terrible screams from the lady driver. I did not cry nor scream. I was just lost my tongue and confused due to the hard impact. Luckily, the man got onto his feet and walked slowly and hinged to his motorcycle. One of his hand was bent and wounded. Blood stained his shirt and pant. I knew he was terribly injured but the irresponsible lady driver did not step out to help him. He got his strength to ride back on his motorcycle and went away after giving an angry look to the person next to me. I guesses he went to the clinic. I made a report to my teacher and they called my parents and they took me home. The academy fired that lunatic driver and I changed to another school after my final exam.

Story 2

When I was 8, I went to my new school by bus. It was around 6.30 in the morning and it was still dark outside. I seated sleepily in my seat and then I heard loud thud, metal crushed and emergency breaks. I knocked my head to the seat in front of me due to the sudden stop. The bus had just ran over an innocent student who rode her bicycle. There were cusses, cries and screaming out there but we were told to remain seated and silent. The sudden stop had caused me wide awoken and curiosity filled the air inside the bus. Luckily, I was on the wrong side of window so I did not witnessed the accident, the students on the other side of window kept me updated and retold the whole story from the beginning. Thankfully, even there were some blood spilled but the student was saved. It was a close shaved. 

Story 3

It has been a long time since I did not involve in any bloody accident but in 2015, during my first week of internship at the age of 22, I knocked someone's car. My parents were travelled to Turkey and I was left under my brother supervision. I drove my mom's CRV and I knocked a Peugeot, a back hit. Damnnn, daddy is going to kill me. It was happened when I drove to a small hill and was not aware that the Peugeot had stopped but the brake lights was off. I remembered step on the brake pedal until it touched the floor but my car was not stopped and boom, I hit the Peugeot. Even though I wore seat belt, my chest knocked the steering wheel and I swear it was hurt like you jump in the air but wrongly landed on your front. I cannot breath and my hands were shuddered and my mind clouded. I did not know how to react and what to do. I phoned my brother but he did not answer and I called my aunty who lived near by and I called my supervisor. He rushed to the scene after my cousin, but he left me without any further action. My cousin talked to the Peugeot driver and we went to make a police report. The statement written was unfair and I was blamed for the hit just because I was at the back and the fact of the Peugeot's brake light was not working was erased. F*** S***... I was fined for $300 and the insurance covered all but cost thousands of course and yes, the news travelled  thousand miles to reach my parents and they were shocked but relieved.

Cerita Kahwin2 Lagi?

Assalammualaikum and Hi people!

How is your life? Good, alhamdulillah. Mine, just the same though. Kali ini, aku nak berkongsi secebis episod dalam kehidupan aku. Baru-baru ini, Siti Athirah Mohd Nasir, seorang teman rapat aku dari kecil merangkap sebagai sepupu aku melangsungkan perkahwinan beliau. Kami memang sangat rapat dan aku ada menyediakan satu teks confession khas untuk dia. Aku tak tahu mana datang keberanian dan segan silu nak buat confession depan ratusan tetamu undangan tapi yang pasti aku menggigil masa buat perangai tu. 

Buat masa ni, sudah beberapa kawan aku yang melangsungkan perkahwinan. Aku happy dan meraikan keputusan mereka untuk memulakan hidup baru sebagai seorang isteri. Membuat keputusan untuk berkahwin bukanlah satu keputusan yang mudah dan aku percaya, mereka memerlukan kekuatan dan sokongan dari pelbagai sudut termasuklah yang Maha Esa. Persiapan dari segi mental dan fizikal juga diperlukan.

Nak dijadikan cerita, tahun 2016 dan 2017 merupa tahun kemuncak di mana kebanyakan sepupu aku akan melangkah ke dunia perkahwinan. Tidak dinafikan, duduk dalam majlis sebegini, ramai yang menanyakan bilakan giliran aku? Jawapannya In syaa Allah kalau jodoh sudah sampai. Jujur aku katakan, aku belum bertemu jodoh, aku tak bersedia dan aku tak sekuat mereka. Dengan pelbagai masalah dalaman dan emosi, aku merasakan yang diri aku tidak layak untuk sesiapa. Aku belum cukup rapat dengan Maha Pencipta, bagaimana pula aku boleh terfikir untuk rapat dengan orang. Terngiang-ngiang pesanan dari salah seorang mak cik aku bila aku diajukan soal jodoh;

“ Kita ni kena percaya Qada’ dan Qadar. Awak kena mula berdoa agar dijodohkan dengan pasangan yang baik, beriman, berharta, berbudi dan yang penting mampu bimbing awak ke jalan Allah. Selain doa, awak kena la berusaha agar jodoh tu datang dekat; persiapkan diri. Contohnya, jadi diri awak cuma jadi yang lebih baik dan terbaik. Serikan diri dan manjakan diri. Lama-lama awak sendiri suka dengan perubahan yang berlaku. Tak perlu nak rasa rendah diri sangat.”

Mak Ani, nama panggilan untuknya. Bagaikan tahu yang aku memang berperang dengan perasaan aku sendiri. Buat la macam mana pun, aku tetap yang paling selekeh dalam kalangan sepupuku yang lain. Dah cuba yang terbaik namun aku tetap kelihatan hodoh. Ya, walaupun aku boleh membangkitkan semangat orang lain tapi hakikatnya tiada siapa yang mendengar luahan aku. Hanya padaNya aku bercerita dan the truth is written but never been said.

Living A Life Diary: Mencari Jodoh atau Dijodohkan?

Assalammualaikum dan Hi,

Post hari ini mengenai jodoh; tidak kira sama ada bakal suami atau bakal isteri. Perancangan manakah yang lebih baik, dijodohkan atau mencari jodoh sendiri? Semua ini berbalik kepada pandangan masing-masing. Ada yang berpendapat, pasangan yang dijodohkan itu lebih baik kerana pilihan orang tua itu lebih tepat kerana 'instinct' mereka sebagai ibu bapa kita. Tetapi ada pandangan lain mengatakan, mencari jodoh sendiri itu lebih baik sebab yang nak kahwin itu kita jadi adalah lebih wajar kita mengenali pasangan kita dahulu sebelum melangkah ke alam perkahwinan.

Sejujurnya aku sendiri tidak pasti tetapi aku ada cerita sesuatu dalam post kali ini. Bakal jodoh aku. Aku gunakan perkataan bakal sebab ianya sesuatu yang tidak pasti dan belum disahkan. Membesar dalam keluarga yang strict, aku kurang bergaul dengan kaum adam melainkan dengan sepupu-sepapat aku yang majoritinya adalah lelaki. Masa aku kecil, aku memang lasak dan tomboy. Tetapi semua tu berubah 360 darjah selepas aku baligh aka period. Mama mula control pergaulan aku dan itu membuatkan aku segan dengan kaum adam. Aku dimasukkan ke single-gender school dan ianya membentuk perwatakan aku hari ini; feminism. Masuk ke alam universiti, aku tidak menghalang mana-mana lelaki yang mahu dekat cuma aku tidak memberi respon jadinya semua perhubungan aku gagal. Mama pesan supaya aku habiskan degree ni dahulu, sebelum nak fikir cari pasangan hidup dan sebab ini jugalah niat aku untuk mencari pasangan telah terkubur walaupun aku telah memegang dua degree scrolls.  Sunyi tu memang la sunyi nak-nak masa tengah stress atau sakit. Takde si dia yang prihatin atau ambil berat pasal diri ini. Tapi aku diamkan saja. Sehinggalah mama bertemu dengan sepasang suami isteri ini di Kursus Bakal Pesara UiTM di Langkawi. 

Mereka tinggal sekampung dengan nenek dan nenek memang kenal dengan keluarga mereka ini. Oleh sebab sikap sambil lewa, aku hanya tahu panggilan untuk si isteri; Ummi. Suami beliau adalah pesara tentera dan pesara UiTM. Ada 2 anak gadis 1 teruna. Salah satu anak gadis meraka adalah senior aku di Universiti dan anak teruna mereka adalah seorang doktor muda yang baru memulakan housemanship di Hospital P, nama nya H. Sudah 2 tahun berturut-turut akan beraya ke rumah mereka. Masa kali pertama datang tu, mereka terus pelawa ke meja makan dengan pelbagai juadah dihidangkan, Ummi dan Abi serta anak teruna mereka turut serta. Oleh kerana perwatakan ummi yang happy-go-lucky  dan banyak mulut, aku jadi selesa dengan dengan keluarga mereka. Bila dah selesa, aku pun mula pok pek pok pek bercerita dari kuih tart nenas hingga ke biskut lidah kucing super expensive tu. Masa tu, H tengah bercuti semester akhir medical school di Kaherah dan aku pula semester 4 Political Science School di UiTM. Sampai ke hari ni, aku tak mampu nak pandang muka dia sebab aku rasa aku ni kecil sangat dan bukan muslimah sangat; pakai tudung pun masih nampak jambul. Selepas bertemuan itu, mama dan baba sudah tepaut dengan keramahan keluarga mereka dan mula berkias-kias mahu menjodohkan antara aku dan H. Tetapi aku hanya bersikap sambil lewa sebab itu hanya angan mereka sahaja, tetapi jauh disudut hati aku tetap ada rasa gembira.

Raya kedua, tahun lepas kami bertandang lagi ke rumah ummi. Kali ini H sudah betul-betul pulang ke Malaysia dan aku sudah habis final exam semester akhir. Masa kami datang, H baru sahaja pulang beraya bersama kawan-kawan sekampung dia dan H ada bakar Lasagna untuk dijamukan pada kawan-kawannya. Menurut cerita ummi, majority kawan-kawan H teruja dengan humble comfort food tu sebab mereka mungkin tidak pernah cuba sebelum ni. Kalau korang nak tahu, Lasagna adalah salah satu makan kegemaran aku dan sebulan sekali mesti aku akan bakar 2-3 loyang. Aku nak sangat cuba lasagna yang H buat tapi disebabkan terlampau segan, aku pendamkan saja. Padahal masa tu, parents aku dah tolak-tolak tangan aku untuk kaup lasagna tu. Aku takut lepas makan lasagna dia, aku jatuh hati pulak; dari perut naik ke hati hahahaha. Dalam kereta, semua gelakkan aku bila aku guna alasan tu untuk tidak tergoda dengan lasagna H. Lawak bodoh.

Masa abang aku kahwin, Ummi, Abi dan H ada datang. Dia nampak lain benar. Pakaian nya kemas, badannya susut dan bertambah kacak tapi aku tetap tak mampu nak pandang muka dia. Mama dah pesan supaya aku mengenakan pakaian yang kemas sikit sebab nak layan kawan-kawan yang bertandang especially ummi sekeluarga. Tapi aku entah kenapa agak malas untuk melaram sebab aku lebih suka jadi floor manager dari melayan tetamu VIP. Maka, nampak la antara dua darjatnya antara aku dan H. Aku ada la borak-borak sikit dengan ummi yang selebihnya mama dan baba. Aku sibuk mengangkat pinggan dan cawan sebab penanggah caterer langsung tak boleh harap. Bila ummi sekeluarga sudah berangkat pulang, mama berkongsi cerita dengan makcik-makcik aku yang lain bahawasanya H itulah gerangan yang mahu dijodohkan dengan aku. Semua pakat mengusik aku, tetapi aku tahu itu hanyalah angan semata. Kalau bertepuk sebelah tangan manakan berbunyi. Aku tidak mengharapkan lebih, andai ada jodoh antara kami, aku akan cuba perbaiki dan persiapkan mental dan fizikal tetapi sebelum semua itu terjadi, biarlah mereka terus bersama angan semata. Banyak lagi impian yang aku dan dia mahu kejar. Gerbang perkahwinan masih kabur pada kaca mata kami dan aku masih terlalu jauh untuk menyaingi dia.

Living A Life Diary: Mother-Daughter Toxic Relation

Assalammualaikum and Hi people!

This entry may not be suitable for happy and cheerful people as it contains disappointment, anger and tears. I believe most of the people out there have, used to have and going to be a mother. I am going to talk on my perspective as a daughter because I am way to far from being a mother. 

Growing up in my family is tough not because we are lacking in financial but affection and love are lacking here. Don't judge I am not grateful but this situation here shapes who I am today and in the future so I need to find the solution to reduce the effect. I don't know if this is the culture in Malay society or Malaysian culture but this is what happened in my family; we are prone to showing less of our love towards each other but showing respect is a most till I came out with a theory that I respect my parents because I have to not because I love to. 

There is no compliment and praise in my family even I'm doing excel in school. There is no hug and kiss. There is no bonding time like sitting and discussing what happened in one another's day or week plus no pep talk. I used to tell my mother about problems in school, friends and boys but I got scolded so I stop talking to her. I would always love to have time talking to her about life of an independent woman but she just shut me out. When ever I wanted to help her in the kitchen she would always kick me out but rather letting my sissy and brother helping her out. She would always complaining I didn't help her much doing chores. What on earth! I do the laundry, sweep the floor, brush the toilet, scoop cat shit and wax the floor and yet she said I'm not helping her at all.  One thing that I can't understand until now, how come she can smile and laughing when my sissy and brother around but getting sour and jumpy when with me? You tell me how can I growing up in this situation without hurting our relationship? 

As I'm getting older and left home for study; not seeing each other very much in a year, our relationship is preserved in a good way. There is no shouting, door slamming and even tears. When we were on the phone, I could casually saying I miss her and I love her but We don't do it when we were face to face. I am comfortable getting away. Where is the paternal responsibility here? Oh, my father would always come between us when mom and I quarrelling. He didn't say much but his presence would clear the mess. He would take me away from mom and cheer me out rather consoling my mother until one day I am getting so comfortable talking to him about our problems, my problems and my mom's problems. His only answer was 'I married to her for more than 30 years now, we don't talk when we have the problem with one another and we just shut each other's down. If I can stand with her this long, you could stay with her to. We both can change her but we can try the least by adapting with her even though she isn't always right. She is your mother after all'.

Recently, we had the third biggest quarrel. My sissy is getting into college and I had to do her administration including financial support seeking. One day, I talked to mom, why is it only me stressing out of sweat and run the errands, it is not me who is going to uni this time? She replied ' you know what, if you are not sincerely doing this then you better stop, you are her sister and that is your job as a family!' I was totally upset with her, slammed the car's door and walked towards the bank. When I came out, she is gone. When I called her, she didn't answer. I called my dad and here she came. She was in tears and hell mad at me. She was throwing lots of anger and words. One thing that I remembered the most was ' What have I done in the past to be given a child like you, I prayed all nights so you can be a good child of mine but why you ended up like this, so ungrateful and rude. It is so disappointing to have a child like you and why don't you just kill if you don't like your stupid mother, I am your stupid mother that is what you always think of me. Why you would always comparing how I treat my children, why you think I treat you differently.' By the way, dad called in the middle of the fight, tears were all over my face and he heard my mother and told me to pull over. My mom did pull over and kick me out of her car and later my dad picked me up.

After that fight, I had less spoken with her and to be in one room with her is so awkward. There is no sorry after I said 'good bye ma' when she kicked me out. We did act normally as mother and daughter because that is what we supposed to do. Mom playing her role as a mother and I am playing mine as a daughter. Until today, I can't look her in the eyes and she is showing some signs that she doesn't want me near. Since my sissy left, I can count how many times we ate together. She always leave me while she's going for shopping or somewhere. She is totally shut me out of her zone. My mother refused to bonding with me.

The aftermath, if I were married one day with my other half, I don't want to have a child. The impact of what she did to me, I don't want it happens to my children. I don't want them to feel how I feel; ignored, unloved, divided, left behind. If this is karma, I don't want it to cycle in my family and my generation. I need to stop that.