Cerita Cinta: Library Crush!

“ Madi, macam mana nak buat soalan ‘Capital Budgeting’ ni?”

“ Emm..Capital Budgeting ea, Cah? ”

“ Eh tak la, ‘ Cara nak dating!’ ”

“ Ha, biadap dah tu dengan tutor Coporate Finance korang!”

“ Hahaha.. kitorang gurau2 jer”

“ Fine! Ok, sila buka ICSA past year question December 2012, question 5. Aku ajar step by step nak tackle this kind of question and then you guys can practise with another set of questions”

“ Madi, pandang arah pukul 2 kau cepat!”

“ Pehal pulak la, Fara oii.. OMG mamat Korean! Since when U kita ada korean students?”

“ Mane ade Korean..Mamat Chinese la Madi”

“ Wey.. Cah tengok macam mamat mix chinese-malay je Fara!”

“ Eh.. eh.. Madi, Cah..dia pandang sini. Pandang buku and pura2 tekan calculator semua”

“ kih..kih..kih”

Hari ni hari pertama dalam beberapa minggu akan datang, aku menapak di Library University X. Memandangkan exam ICSA hanya selang 2 minggu lagi dan Corporate Finance ni orang kata killer paper, beberapa kawan-kawan kelas meminta aku untuk guide diorang. Aku bukan la sifu subject ni cumanya bila dah banyak sangat buat soalan contoh, aku dapat tangkap calculation flow for each topics plus formula2 yang penting. Oleh sebab aku jenis bangsa yang mendokong semua orang, maka, aku bersetuju untuk bagi tutorial.

Sudah beberapa hari aku study sendirian di library. Kengkawan aku semua sudah angkat kaki mahu study sendiri-sendiri sebaik sahaja tutorial aku tamat. Tidak dinafikan mata kitorang ni selalu melilau menikmati ciptaan yang indah *lelaki kacak* tapi hanya setakat itu sahaja. Kalau bangsa yang jenis malu-malu kucing, mana berani nak bertegur sapa apatah lagi minta number phone. Sesekali pandangan mata aku bertembung dengan mamat ‘mix’ yang kebetulan curi-curi pandang ke arah meja aku memandangkan kami duduk bertentangan antara satu sama lain. Tengok dari buku-buku rujukan dia, aku dapat agak yang dia ni budak ACCA. 

"ahh.. lebih kurang je course aku dengan dia. Ada chance la  kalau aku nak acah2 bertanya atau menyembang” aku bermonolog.

“ milik siapakan hati ni.. Kalau kulit aku ni putih melepak, muka bersih tanpa cela, badan pun fit, mesti dah lama aku ada yang punya and takda la aku melilau macam ni”

“ ok jugak single and available. Takda la aku rasa bersalah atau tercurang ke kan?”

“ kalau mamat ni tetiba bertanya sapa, aku nak cakap ape eh?”

“ ish.. ade probability ke dia perasan kewujudan aku kat sini?”

“ walaweyyy… dia curi2 pandang sini pulak”

“ patut ke aku senyum kalau kitorang terpandang satu sama lain lagi?”

“ macam mana nak tahu yang dia pun interested nak kenal dengan aku?”

“ umur aku dah cecah 23 tahun, calon bakal suami pun takda lagi ni. Kengkawan aku ramai dah kahwin sebaik habis je degree dan dah beranak satu dua”

Aku mengeleng-gelengkan kepala untuk menghilangkan suara kecil yang memenuhi kotak fikiran aku lalu kembali fokus pada soalan yang terbentang luas di hadapan aku. Aku kembali khusyuk membuat calculation, selagi tak jumpa jawapan, selagi tu la aku dok tekan2 calculator dan selak tiga empat jenis buku finance, dari buku Watson & Head ke buku Ross lalu kembali ke buku Andrew dan begitu juga dengan buku Colton tak pun buku Taillard. Terlampau leka dengan dunia finance sehingga lupa nak jamah lunch and solat. Nasib baik la masih pukul 2.30 p.m. so sempat lagi nak ke café. Tiba-tiba, mamat mix bangun dan pandang aku. Otak aku tepu, confuse sama ada nak lemparkan senyuman macam dalam plan ke tidak. Dia jalan depan meja aku then stop and keluarkan phone, lepas tu sambung jalan. Hampa, tu la perasaan aku tapi tetiba dia patah balik ke meja aku then stop lagi sekali dengan phone di tangan lalu pandang aku. Tapi dia terus ke  meja dia, ambil wallet then berlalu pergi ke café, aku agak je. Aku pun tak faham dengan mamat ni.

Sambil menuju ke Surau, aku berangan lagi. Tertanya-tanya yang mamat ni bagi hint kat aku ke apa. Selesai solat, aku ke café untuk lunch dan kembali ke library untuk menelaah. Dia ada di mejanya dengan telinga bersumbat earphone lalu memandang aku yang baru sahaja duduk. Lagi sekali aku confuse mahu melemparkan senyuman atau tidak.

Hari berikutnya, disebabkan aku datang awal, banyak lagi port study yang kosong so aku main duduk saja. Tanpa melengahkan masa, aku pun keluarkan buku, Macbook dan earphone lalu dengan doa, aku meneruskan revision. Tidak sedar masa berlalu, sekali tengok jam, sudah pukul 11 a.m. dan perut aku dah berbunyi. Luruskan badan sikit, pusing kanan pusing kiri, toleh depan toleh belakang, eh dia baru masuk ke library. Aku terus senyum kambing sorang2 dan hati tengah kembang kempis tahan perasaan. Meja banyak yang kena ‘chop’ orang so dia pilih meja yang selang 1 meja di belakang aku sebab kengkawan dia menapak di meja belakang aku. Hampa, xdapat la curi2 pandang dia hari ni. Sepangjang satu hari ni, dia banyak kali singgah meja kawan dia and discuss among themselves. Dari perbincangan diorang, baru la aku tahu nama dia ni Rahim and senior setahun dua dari aku and tengah ambil paper ACCA P*berapa ntoh*. Tahap professionalism aku nak stalk orang, earphone aku tu sekadar hiasan acah2 dengar lagu tapi iTunes off. Dengan cara ni la aku boleh curi2 dengar apa diorang cakap.

Aku mengangkat kepala bila ada seseorang datang di hadapan aku sambil tersenyum. Eh si Rahim rupanya.

“ Hi, sorry ganggu awak”

“ Oh ya Hi, tak ganggu mane pun”

“ Saya nak pinjam kerusi sebelah awak ni boleh? Takde orang duduk kan?”

“ Oh kerusi, ambil la. Saya study sorang pun, takde orang guna”

“ I see, saya pinjam kejap ye awak”

“ Silakan.. silakan..”

Dia ambil kerusi sebelah aku then bawa ke meja kengkawan dia. Maybe diorang nak discuss something sebab ramai jugak la kerumun meja belakang aku ni. Selang beberapa minit, aku rasa nak terkucil. Ye la, sebabnya aku teguk air kosong berbotol-botol plus air vitamin C lagi 1 ke 2 botol. Mau nye tak penuh pundi kencing aku. Nak sihat kan, kena la amalkan air kosong dan vitamin C selalu. Lama jugak la aku lepak kat tandas. Bukan ape, betulkan tudung, touch up makeup sikit then dua tiga kali posing depan cermin practise senyum sambil manis2kan muka. Sekembalinya aku dari toilet, Rahim tengah masukkan kerusi yang dia pakai bawah meja aku. Nampak je aku tengah masuk sambil catwalk, dia terus lemparkan senyuman. Aku tanpa sedar, balas senyuman dia sebijik yang aku practise dalam toilet tadi. Masa berlalu dengan pantas, sudah pukul 5 p.m., waktu aku untuk balik sebab aku tumpang kereta baba. Tiap kali nampak aku kemas beg mesti dia pandang. Each time before balik, setiap hari aku mengharapkan dia akan tinggal nota kecil so that besok pagi nya bila aku duduk tetiba ehh ada nota la dari Rahim. Tapi itu hanya angan2 aku saja.

The next morning, satu hari aku tunggu Rahim muncul, tapi dia tak datang. Dah la hari ni hari Jumaat. Esok Sabtu, cousin aku kahwin so tak mungkin aku dapat study kat library. Ahad jangan harap la aku bukak buku sebabnya satu hari suntuk aku akan berfoya-foya*keluar buang masa*.

Masuk minggu ke-2 aku study dekat library, aku mengharapkan perubahan dalam corak permainan tarik tali hati ke hati antara aku dan dia. Hari ni aku datang lewat sikit around 9.30 a.m. so bila aku melangkah masuk je, aku dah nampak dia dekat meja favourite dia. Aku pun apa lagi, cepat2 la pilih meja yang dekat dengan dia supaya dapat bertentang mata walaupun curi2. Letak je punggung kat kerusi, dia dah angkat muka pandang aku, aku hadiahkan senyuman sebab senyuman itu sedekah. Kalau kawan2 dia pandang aku pun, aku akan lemparkan senyuman. Aku tak nak lokek dengan senyuman, biarlah rupa buruk dan kulit hitam, janji anda murah dengan senyuman. Persetan orang kata kau senyum tak bertempat ke apa. Ingat ni, aura positif akan menarik aura positif. So nak tarik dia, aku kena bersikap terbuka dulu. Aku belajar ni semua dari buku Law of Attraction. Bukan niat aku nak menggatal tapi faham2 sendiri la, aku tak nak jadi anak dara tua and aku bukan terdesak tapi aku mengamalkan sikap openness.

After lunch, macam biasa aku pergi surau then restroom untuk betul2 kan tudung sikit, touch up sikit and membuang sikit. Sekembalinya aku ke meja, aku pun buka la balik buku. Tergamam, tu la perasaan aku bila ada nota kecil terselit di celahan buku aku.

‘Your smile is contagious and I don’t mind getting infected’

- R-

Aku tersenyum membaca nota kecil yang dia tinggalkan. Aku pandang dia dengan senyuman di bibir sambil menujukkan nota yang dia tinggalkan. Aku nak bagitahu yang aku dah baca nota dia tu. Dia senyum dan angguk tanda faham. 

“ Weyyy sweet giler.. apa aku nak reply ni? Macam mana nak reply? Perlu ke aku reply?”

“ Patut ke aku bagi direct or minta kawan dia pass pada dia?”

" Ahhhh... nanti2 la aku balas, cari idea dulu"

" Aku janji.. lagi 1 jam aku dari sekarang, aku minta dia jumpa aku kat luar"

Aku bangun dari kerusi dan kebetulan dia memang tengah pandang aku so aku bagi hint mintak dia jumpa aku dekat luar. Then aku pun cepat2 keluar dari library, duduk dekat kerusi batu di luar library and tersorok sikit dari cermin tingkap library. Berbunga-bunga, itu la perasaan aku bila dia keluar dari pintu library dan berjalan menuju ke arah aku. Aku jadi numb and confuse but happy at the same time.

“ Awak dah baca nota yang saya selitkan”

“ Yeah and it's very bold, I mean.. awak sangat berani and it would give me diabetic”

“ Hahaha…just like you smile; contagious”

“ You are such a sweet talker”

“ Only to get to know you better”

“ Hahahaha…Take this, it’s my reply”

‘ I stupidly grinning whenever I hear your footsteps’

….

“ Cah, ingat lagi mamat mix yang study kat library tu?”

“ Ha ingat, kenapa dia ngorat Madi ke?”

“ Ngorat tu tak la cuma dia nak kenal2”

“ Shut the…. Seriously? Cah baru nak gurau2 jer tadi. Serious la Madi?”

“ Serious la ni. Tak kan main2 pulak. Dia selitkan nota jiwang2 kat buku CF Madi”

“ Wohhaattt… Dia tulis apa, nak tahu jugak?”

“ Dia tulis ni.. ‘Your smile is contagious and I don’t mind getting infected’”

“ Weyyyy.. asal dia sweet sangat ni? Habis kena diabetic nanti”

“ I know!! Nak buat apa lepas ni, Madi tak tau”

“ Dia minta number phone tak?”

“ Tak, belum lagi”

“ Kalau dia minta tu bagi jer la. Orang nak kenal2 kan”

“ Lepas dah bagi tu nak buat apa?”

“ Buat main batu seremban. Keep in touch la buat apa lagi. Tengok flow korang camne then decide la dari situ. Kenal dulu layer by layer then kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana” 

“ Amboiiii.. pandai cakap sekarang ea”

“ Ni Ecah la, Dr. Love”

“ Merapu jer lebih”

“ Eh eh.. betul apa yang kita cakap. So makin semangat la ni study kat library? Boleh la dapat distinction paper CF tahun ni ye. hahahaha..”

“ Mengusik sakan engko kan.. Tak dinafikan, semangat nak study tu berkobar-kobar and boleh fokus 110% apa yang kita study”

“ Ye ke boleh 110% Fokus? Bukan asyik curi2 pandang je kan kerja korang?”

“ Nope, dia sangat committed dengan apa yang dia tengah study. Orang kalau buat calculation, selagi tak dapat tangkap jawapan, jangan haraplah nak pandang kiri kanan. Kita study CF pun macam ni jugak kan?”

“ Emm.. hujah anda diterima. Saya menanti perkhabaran yang baik dari anda”

“ Daaaaaa….”

Minggu berikutnya..

Minggu examination aku bermula. Paper aku jatuh pada hari selasa dan khamis. Aku tak rasa nak study kat library minggu exam macam ni, walaupun aku dah gila bayang nak tengok Rahim. Dia mesti ternanti-nanti kemunculan aku agaknya. Ye la last jumaat, dia datang masa aku dah nak balik so memang tak sempat la nak sembang bagai. Tiba-tiba hati rasa sebak, aku rasa this is the end ceritera library crush aku. Setan dalam otak aku tengah menyembang.

“ Sape la nak kat kau yang muka macam singa. Umur baru 23 tahun tapi muka dah macam mak orang anak 3”

“ Tak yah berangan la. Kalau dia minat kat kau, dah lama dia minta number phone kau”

“ Dah 2 minggu study sama2 tapi habuk pun tak de”

Aku akur dengan nasib diri. Tapi tak nak sebab tak dapat ‘kawan’, aku jadi hilang fokus pada exam aku. So aku pasrah saja la dengan harapan kalau ade jodoh, jumpa la lagi dengan di mana2.  Sedang asyik mengelamun subuh2 ni, tiba2 mama masuk bilik.

“ Kak, mama ade kelas ngaji di Masjid Negeri. Nanti kamu ambil mama around 12pm macam tu boleh. Hari ni Isnin, ade ustaz best kat Masjid, so sayang kalau tak pergi kuliah”

“ Ohh ok, boleh la orang study kat library hari ni”

Hati penuh bunga2 masa drive ke library. Cantik!! Parking pun senang dapat and langit pun cerah. Masuk je library, hampa, dia tak datang lagi even though waktu2 macam ni dia selalunye dah sampai. Tapi tak ape, aku pilih meja favourite aku dan start keluarkan segala materials for revision. Tak sampai setengah jam, kawan2 dia pulak datang and chop meja belakang aku. Aku pun sambung la study, tapi sayangnya otak aku dah tepu and tak boleh nak concentrate langsung buat calculation. So aku pun pusing belakang and start menyembang dengan kawan2 dia. Selama ni kitorang balas2 senyum angguk2 geleng2 saje tapi kali ni we are having a real conversation. Aku perkenalkan diri, cerita serba sedikit pasal ICSA, tanya sikit2 pasal ACCA, sembang pasal jadual exam, pasal lecturers, pasal fee per paper and many more tapi satu pun pasal Rahim, tak keluar. Sembang punya sembang, baru la nampak Rahim masuk and dia terus meluru ke meja kawan2 dia ni then says ‘ Morning girls, you look gorgeous today!’. Masing2 senyum kambing pada aku macam ade maksud tersirat jer. Nak tutup malu punya pasal, aku undur diri dengan excuse nak sambung revision and diorang semua pun angguk bagi green light then Rahim pun menapak kat meja favourite dia.

Dah pukul 11.50 a.m, aku pun start kemas2 barang masukkan dalam beg segala sebab nak ambil mama dekat Masjid. Tak rasa pulak nak sambung study kat sini sampai ke petang macam selalu sebab aku nak rehatkan otak untuk exam esok. Before gerak, aku pergi kat meja diorang then wish them all the best and good luck. Aku pun tak lupa minta maaf kalau ade salah silap or salah faham sepangjang aku study sama dengan diorang and aku bagitahu yang esok adalah paper last aku before aku graduate so aku yakin yang this will be the last time aku jumpa diorang. Saje je aku cakap kuat sikit nak bagi Rahim dengan so that kalau dia nak contact number, this is the right time before I leave. After saying goodbye and what not, hampa, dia masih membatu, tiada tanda2 nak approach aku ke apa. So dengan berat langkah, aku pun keluar dari library tanpa kejayaan dalam perkenalan kitorang. 

“ Aku dah terang2 bagitau yang hari ni last aku jumpa kau and kau masih buat bodoh je”

“ Ko memang nak main2 kan aku je kan sebenarnya”

“ Ya Allah, kalau dia jodoh aku, maka permudahkanlah perkenalan kami. Gerakkan la hati dia Ya Allah”

Air mata dah menitik masa aku lalu lorong memory lane University aku sebab rasa kecewa yang amat sangat. Dulu bukan main bagi ayat manis semanis madu, tapi bila aku bagi peluang kau lepaskan macam tu je. Aku tahu, physically aku tak capai standard yang kau nak tapi aku pun ade hati macam wanita lain. Dengan sendu, aku hidupkan enjin kereta and tukar gear ke D4 bersedia nak gerak. Tiba2 ada pulak sorang mamat muncul depan kereta aku and minta aku stop. Tergamam, tak sangka dia rupanya yang tahan kereta aku. Dia pergi ke arah pintu pemandu dan ketuk tingkap then bagi signal minta aku turunkan tingkap. Aku pun dengan sendunya, buat apa yang dia suruh.

“ Nah tisu.. Awak nampak macam nak nangis or memang tengah nangis masa saya follow awak dekat memory lane tadi”

“ What do you want?”

“ You!”

“ Stop being silly!”

“ I can’t when I’m with you”

“ Sudah la, saya dah lambat nak ambil mama!”

“ Give me your phone then.. Hurry up girl!”

“ Motif awak nak phone saya?"

" Cepat la, awak dah lambat nak ambil bakal mak mertua saya kan.. Bagi sini cepat!"

“ Awak nak buat apa?” sambil tangan hulurkan phone aku pada dia. Dia sepertinya macam tengah nak men-dial sesuatu and aku terdengar bunyi phone dia berdering.

“ There, I've got your number and u got mine. I’m sorry kalau awak rasa saya permainkan perasaan awak and saya buat bodoh je tadi. The fact that when you said today is the last day you will be here makes me sad and I wish to have one more day just to see you”

“ Ohhhh Oookkaayyy.. I’ve got what you said, then what do you want from me?”

“ I would like to meet you again after we get our exam done. I know our examination will be held through out this week and I want to see you the day after that. Would you consider to going out with me?”

“ I dd.. I would love to… see you again”

….

Notakaki:

1- Written by DiaPerpalsapah

2- This short stories is protected under Malaysia Copyright Act 1987

3- Campur-ation language

4- Grammar berterabur

ACNE : WHEN NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE!

Assalammualaikum and Hi People!

Previously, I had posted a few of my writings with regards of acne skin problems. Some may come across to my blog due to facing the same problem and some may not. This time I would like to update   my acne-prone skin to the world where nothing works anymore to resolve my issue. Dermatologist treatment, didn't work. Steroid medications. temporary only. High end products, waste of fortune. Exercises, nothing has changed. 

What has changed lately was, I suffered Atelophobia- fear of imperfection. I was mocked, laughed at and given some shitty names. I cannot handle myself to be in public without the fear of people judging my face. I have been doing HIIT workout for quite sometimes now but it did not improve my acne problem which I thought when I get fit and active, my acne would be gone too. Luckily, my body getting firm and fit. I want to be an acne-free person, pretty please!!

On September 16, my aunty brought me to consult her friend, Dr Yasmeen Farouk. Frankly speaking, I did not know how great she is until my friend recently told me that Dr Yasmeen is popular with her 'living healthily in natural way' talks and books. During my consultation with her, she asked me about my blood type, common health problems that I am having, my diet and my lifestyle. She explained to me what causes to my current health problems in a clear and eye-opening way. Never thought that my acne worsen because of my bad diet even though I had an active lifestyle. All of my former dermatologists and beauticians never give and able to give this kind of explanation and correlation. They just prescribed me with medicines and products that had costed me quite a fortune. Puff....typical medical salesman! Opps..

Here is the 'golden list' and healthy way to heal my acne which I can sum up and share with all of you:
1- My Blood type : AB+; prone to have digestion problem.
2- Common health problems; constipation & bloated, Acne prone skin and eczema, & hard to lose  weight.
3- My Diet : under controlled; meats, veggies & fruits, carbs and fats
4- My lifestyle : HIIT workout, Pilates and toning.

Dr Yasmeen suggestions/diet plans for me to follow in 2-3 months:

1- Take Vitamin C every 4 hours during the day, daily.
2- Drink a lot of water and green tea.
3- Avoid all kind of meats and seafood; ONLY Fish is allowed.
4- Avoid all kind of diary products.
5- Avoid all kind of refined sugar; candies, sodas and desserts.
6- Avoid PEANUT.
7- Avoid yeast-contained products.
8- Eat a lot of green veggies and green juice twice a day & yellow juice once at night.
9- Avoid greasy and fried foods. I know it's hurt!
10- Avoid processed and canned foods at all course.

Here is the list of her product purchased:

Wonder Water Face Wash + Toner @RM75
It smells nice and leaves my face a cool and fresh sensation.
It's natural. 

Dr Yasmeen Organic Roasted Green Tea with brown rice @RM90/10 bags
1 teabag x 15 uses/cups.
This is the mildest green tea I ever had and it contains low acid that suits my weak intestines.
Its japanese name is Genmaicha.

Dr Yasmeen Brightening Moisturiser @RM220
New developed product.
Water based and non-sticky.
Smells citrussy. 

My Every First: Transport Accidents

Assalammualaikum and Hi People,

Todayyy, I would like to talk about my first experience of transport accident. Thankfully it was not a bloody shed missing limb kind of accident. I was and am still in one piece and saved and sound even though my hands and legs trembled and went numb. I have three stories here but I will let you decide which one is going to be my first encounter.

Story 1

When I was a kid, I kept changing school. I did not know why but I believed my parents knew what they were doing. At the age of 7, I went to a private school somewhere near my house. Both of my parents went to work and I was left with my nanny. Every morning, the academy's van would fetch me and I was the first one so I would have to seat in front at the passenger seat. One thing I could remember being in the van was the speed. The driver was a lunatic. She had drove recklessly and gave us heart attack at the young age of 7. One unlucky morning, while travelling on our routine route heading to the school, she had drove at 70KM/hour(guessed) and was going to make a turn. Without any further hesitation, she made a turn and ramped into a motorcyclist. It was a young man and he was flown a few metres in the air due to the hard impact right in front of my eyes.  I was so shock and my head bang-ed the dashboard. Even though it happened in a quick seconds but I remembered everything. I heard my friends cried and terrible screams from the lady driver. I did not cry nor scream. I was just lost my tongue and confused due to the hard impact. Luckily, the man got onto his feet and walked slowly and hinged to his motorcycle. One of his hand was bent and wounded. Blood stained his shirt and pant. I knew he was terribly injured but the irresponsible lady driver did not step out to help him. He got his strength to ride back on his motorcycle and went away after giving an angry look to the person next to me. I guesses he went to the clinic. I made a report to my teacher and they called my parents and they took me home. The academy fired that lunatic driver and I changed to another school after my final exam.

Story 2

When I was 8, I went to my new school by bus. It was around 6.30 in the morning and it was still dark outside. I seated sleepily in my seat and then I heard loud thud, metal crushed and emergency breaks. I knocked my head to the seat in front of me due to the sudden stop. The bus had just ran over an innocent student who rode her bicycle. There were cusses, cries and screaming out there but we were told to remain seated and silent. The sudden stop had caused me wide awoken and curiosity filled the air inside the bus. Luckily, I was on the wrong side of window so I did not witnessed the accident, the students on the other side of window kept me updated and retold the whole story from the beginning. Thankfully, even there were some blood spilled but the student was saved. It was a close shaved. 

Story 3

It has been a long time since I did not involve in any bloody accident but in 2015, during my first week of internship at the age of 22, I knocked someone's car. My parents were travelled to Turkey and I was left under my brother supervision. I drove my mom's CRV and I knocked a Peugeot, a back hit. Damnnn, daddy is going to kill me. It was happened when I drove to a small hill and was not aware that the Peugeot had stopped but the brake lights was off. I remembered step on the brake pedal until it touched the floor but my car was not stopped and boom, I hit the Peugeot. Even though I wore seat belt, my chest knocked the steering wheel and I swear it was hurt like you jump in the air but wrongly landed on your front. I cannot breath and my hands were shuddered and my mind clouded. I did not know how to react and what to do. I phoned my brother but he did not answer and I called my aunty who lived near by and I called my supervisor. He rushed to the scene after my cousin, but he left me without any further action. My cousin talked to the Peugeot driver and we went to make a police report. The statement written was unfair and I was blamed for the hit just because I was at the back and the fact of the Peugeot's brake light was not working was erased. F*** S***... I was fined for $300 and the insurance covered all but cost thousands of course and yes, the news travelled  thousand miles to reach my parents and they were shocked but relieved.

Cerita Kahwin2 Lagi?

Assalammualaikum and Hi people!

How is your life? Good, alhamdulillah. Mine, just the same though. Kali ini, aku nak berkongsi secebis episod dalam kehidupan aku. Baru-baru ini, Siti Athirah Mohd Nasir, seorang teman rapat aku dari kecil merangkap sebagai sepupu aku melangsungkan perkahwinan beliau. Kami memang sangat rapat dan aku ada menyediakan satu teks confession khas untuk dia. Aku tak tahu mana datang keberanian dan segan silu nak buat confession depan ratusan tetamu undangan tapi yang pasti aku menggigil masa buat perangai tu. 

Buat masa ni, sudah beberapa kawan aku yang melangsungkan perkahwinan. Aku happy dan meraikan keputusan mereka untuk memulakan hidup baru sebagai seorang isteri. Membuat keputusan untuk berkahwin bukanlah satu keputusan yang mudah dan aku percaya, mereka memerlukan kekuatan dan sokongan dari pelbagai sudut termasuklah yang Maha Esa. Persiapan dari segi mental dan fizikal juga diperlukan.

Nak dijadikan cerita, tahun 2016 dan 2017 merupa tahun kemuncak di mana kebanyakan sepupu aku akan melangkah ke dunia perkahwinan. Tidak dinafikan, duduk dalam majlis sebegini, ramai yang menanyakan bilakan giliran aku? Jawapannya In syaa Allah kalau jodoh sudah sampai. Jujur aku katakan, aku belum bertemu jodoh, aku tak bersedia dan aku tak sekuat mereka. Dengan pelbagai masalah dalaman dan emosi, aku merasakan yang diri aku tidak layak untuk sesiapa. Aku belum cukup rapat dengan Maha Pencipta, bagaimana pula aku boleh terfikir untuk rapat dengan orang. Terngiang-ngiang pesanan dari salah seorang mak cik aku bila aku diajukan soal jodoh;

“ Kita ni kena percaya Qada’ dan Qadar. Awak kena mula berdoa agar dijodohkan dengan pasangan yang baik, beriman, berharta, berbudi dan yang penting mampu bimbing awak ke jalan Allah. Selain doa, awak kena la berusaha agar jodoh tu datang dekat; persiapkan diri. Contohnya, jadi diri awak cuma jadi yang lebih baik dan terbaik. Serikan diri dan manjakan diri. Lama-lama awak sendiri suka dengan perubahan yang berlaku. Tak perlu nak rasa rendah diri sangat.”

Mak Ani, nama panggilan untuknya. Bagaikan tahu yang aku memang berperang dengan perasaan aku sendiri. Buat la macam mana pun, aku tetap yang paling selekeh dalam kalangan sepupuku yang lain. Dah cuba yang terbaik namun aku tetap kelihatan hodoh. Ya, walaupun aku boleh membangkitkan semangat orang lain tapi hakikatnya tiada siapa yang mendengar luahan aku. Hanya padaNya aku bercerita dan the truth is written but never been said.

Living A Life Diary: Mencari Jodoh atau Dijodohkan?

Assalammualaikum dan Hi,

Post hari ini mengenai jodoh; tidak kira sama ada bakal suami atau bakal isteri. Perancangan manakah yang lebih baik, dijodohkan atau mencari jodoh sendiri? Semua ini berbalik kepada pandangan masing-masing. Ada yang berpendapat, pasangan yang dijodohkan itu lebih baik kerana pilihan orang tua itu lebih tepat kerana 'instinct' mereka sebagai ibu bapa kita. Tetapi ada pandangan lain mengatakan, mencari jodoh sendiri itu lebih baik sebab yang nak kahwin itu kita jadi adalah lebih wajar kita mengenali pasangan kita dahulu sebelum melangkah ke alam perkahwinan.

Sejujurnya aku sendiri tidak pasti tetapi aku ada cerita sesuatu dalam post kali ini. Bakal jodoh aku. Aku gunakan perkataan bakal sebab ianya sesuatu yang tidak pasti dan belum disahkan. Membesar dalam keluarga yang strict, aku kurang bergaul dengan kaum adam melainkan dengan sepupu-sepapat aku yang majoritinya adalah lelaki. Masa aku kecil, aku memang lasak dan tomboy. Tetapi semua tu berubah 360 darjah selepas aku baligh aka period. Mama mula control pergaulan aku dan itu membuatkan aku segan dengan kaum adam. Aku dimasukkan ke single-gender school dan ianya membentuk perwatakan aku hari ini; feminism. Masuk ke alam universiti, aku tidak menghalang mana-mana lelaki yang mahu dekat cuma aku tidak memberi respon jadinya semua perhubungan aku gagal. Mama pesan supaya aku habiskan degree ni dahulu, sebelum nak fikir cari pasangan hidup dan sebab ini jugalah niat aku untuk mencari pasangan telah terkubur walaupun aku telah memegang dua degree scrolls.  Sunyi tu memang la sunyi nak-nak masa tengah stress atau sakit. Takde si dia yang prihatin atau ambil berat pasal diri ini. Tapi aku diamkan saja. Sehinggalah mama bertemu dengan sepasang suami isteri ini di Kursus Bakal Pesara UiTM di Langkawi. 

Mereka tinggal sekampung dengan nenek dan nenek memang kenal dengan keluarga mereka ini. Oleh sebab sikap sambil lewa, aku hanya tahu panggilan untuk si isteri; Ummi. Suami beliau adalah pesara tentera dan pesara UiTM. Ada 2 anak gadis 1 teruna. Salah satu anak gadis meraka adalah senior aku di Universiti dan anak teruna mereka adalah seorang doktor muda yang baru memulakan housemanship di Hospital P, nama nya H. Sudah 2 tahun berturut-turut akan beraya ke rumah mereka. Masa kali pertama datang tu, mereka terus pelawa ke meja makan dengan pelbagai juadah dihidangkan, Ummi dan Abi serta anak teruna mereka turut serta. Oleh kerana perwatakan ummi yang happy-go-lucky  dan banyak mulut, aku jadi selesa dengan dengan keluarga mereka. Bila dah selesa, aku pun mula pok pek pok pek bercerita dari kuih tart nenas hingga ke biskut lidah kucing super expensive tu. Masa tu, H tengah bercuti semester akhir medical school di Kaherah dan aku pula semester 4 Political Science School di UiTM. Sampai ke hari ni, aku tak mampu nak pandang muka dia sebab aku rasa aku ni kecil sangat dan bukan muslimah sangat; pakai tudung pun masih nampak jambul. Selepas bertemuan itu, mama dan baba sudah tepaut dengan keramahan keluarga mereka dan mula berkias-kias mahu menjodohkan antara aku dan H. Tetapi aku hanya bersikap sambil lewa sebab itu hanya angan mereka sahaja, tetapi jauh disudut hati aku tetap ada rasa gembira.

Raya kedua, tahun lepas kami bertandang lagi ke rumah ummi. Kali ini H sudah betul-betul pulang ke Malaysia dan aku sudah habis final exam semester akhir. Masa kami datang, H baru sahaja pulang beraya bersama kawan-kawan sekampung dia dan H ada bakar Lasagna untuk dijamukan pada kawan-kawannya. Menurut cerita ummi, majority kawan-kawan H teruja dengan humble comfort food tu sebab mereka mungkin tidak pernah cuba sebelum ni. Kalau korang nak tahu, Lasagna adalah salah satu makan kegemaran aku dan sebulan sekali mesti aku akan bakar 2-3 loyang. Aku nak sangat cuba lasagna yang H buat tapi disebabkan terlampau segan, aku pendamkan saja. Padahal masa tu, parents aku dah tolak-tolak tangan aku untuk kaup lasagna tu. Aku takut lepas makan lasagna dia, aku jatuh hati pulak; dari perut naik ke hati hahahaha. Dalam kereta, semua gelakkan aku bila aku guna alasan tu untuk tidak tergoda dengan lasagna H. Lawak bodoh.

Masa abang aku kahwin, Ummi, Abi dan H ada datang. Dia nampak lain benar. Pakaian nya kemas, badannya susut dan bertambah kacak tapi aku tetap tak mampu nak pandang muka dia. Mama dah pesan supaya aku mengenakan pakaian yang kemas sikit sebab nak layan kawan-kawan yang bertandang especially ummi sekeluarga. Tapi aku entah kenapa agak malas untuk melaram sebab aku lebih suka jadi floor manager dari melayan tetamu VIP. Maka, nampak la antara dua darjatnya antara aku dan H. Aku ada la borak-borak sikit dengan ummi yang selebihnya mama dan baba. Aku sibuk mengangkat pinggan dan cawan sebab penanggah caterer langsung tak boleh harap. Bila ummi sekeluarga sudah berangkat pulang, mama berkongsi cerita dengan makcik-makcik aku yang lain bahawasanya H itulah gerangan yang mahu dijodohkan dengan aku. Semua pakat mengusik aku, tetapi aku tahu itu hanyalah angan semata. Kalau bertepuk sebelah tangan manakan berbunyi. Aku tidak mengharapkan lebih, andai ada jodoh antara kami, aku akan cuba perbaiki dan persiapkan mental dan fizikal tetapi sebelum semua itu terjadi, biarlah mereka terus bersama angan semata. Banyak lagi impian yang aku dan dia mahu kejar. Gerbang perkahwinan masih kabur pada kaca mata kami dan aku masih terlalu jauh untuk menyaingi dia.

Living A Life Diary: Mother-Daughter Toxic Relation

Assalammualaikum and Hi people!

This entry may not be suitable for happy and cheerful people as it contains disappointment, anger and tears. I believe most of the people out there have, used to have and going to be a mother. I am going to talk on my perspective as a daughter because I am way to far from being a mother. 

Growing up in my family is tough not because we are lacking in financial but affection and love are lacking here. Don't judge I am not grateful but this situation here shapes who I am today and in the future so I need to find the solution to reduce the effect. I don't know if this is the culture in Malay society or Malaysian culture but this is what happened in my family; we are prone to showing less of our love towards each other but showing respect is a most till I came out with a theory that I respect my parents because I have to not because I love to. 

There is no compliment and praise in my family even I'm doing excel in school. There is no hug and kiss. There is no bonding time like sitting and discussing what happened in one another's day or week plus no pep talk. I used to tell my mother about problems in school, friends and boys but I got scolded so I stop talking to her. I would always love to have time talking to her about life of an independent woman but she just shut me out. When ever I wanted to help her in the kitchen she would always kick me out but rather letting my sissy and brother helping her out. She would always complaining I didn't help her much doing chores. What on earth! I do the laundry, sweep the floor, brush the toilet, scoop cat shit and wax the floor and yet she said I'm not helping her at all.  One thing that I can't understand until now, how come she can smile and laughing when my sissy and brother around but getting sour and jumpy when with me? You tell me how can I growing up in this situation without hurting our relationship? 

As I'm getting older and left home for study; not seeing each other very much in a year, our relationship is preserved in a good way. There is no shouting, door slamming and even tears. When we were on the phone, I could casually saying I miss her and I love her but We don't do it when we were face to face. I am comfortable getting away. Where is the paternal responsibility here? Oh, my father would always come between us when mom and I quarrelling. He didn't say much but his presence would clear the mess. He would take me away from mom and cheer me out rather consoling my mother until one day I am getting so comfortable talking to him about our problems, my problems and my mom's problems. His only answer was 'I married to her for more than 30 years now, we don't talk when we have the problem with one another and we just shut each other's down. If I can stand with her this long, you could stay with her to. We both can change her but we can try the least by adapting with her even though she isn't always right. She is your mother after all'.

Recently, we had the third biggest quarrel. My sissy is getting into college and I had to do her administration including financial support seeking. One day, I talked to mom, why is it only me stressing out of sweat and run the errands, it is not me who is going to uni this time? She replied ' you know what, if you are not sincerely doing this then you better stop, you are her sister and that is your job as a family!' I was totally upset with her, slammed the car's door and walked towards the bank. When I came out, she is gone. When I called her, she didn't answer. I called my dad and here she came. She was in tears and hell mad at me. She was throwing lots of anger and words. One thing that I remembered the most was ' What have I done in the past to be given a child like you, I prayed all nights so you can be a good child of mine but why you ended up like this, so ungrateful and rude. It is so disappointing to have a child like you and why don't you just kill if you don't like your stupid mother, I am your stupid mother that is what you always think of me. Why you would always comparing how I treat my children, why you think I treat you differently.' By the way, dad called in the middle of the fight, tears were all over my face and he heard my mother and told me to pull over. My mom did pull over and kick me out of her car and later my dad picked me up.

After that fight, I had less spoken with her and to be in one room with her is so awkward. There is no sorry after I said 'good bye ma' when she kicked me out. We did act normally as mother and daughter because that is what we supposed to do. Mom playing her role as a mother and I am playing mine as a daughter. Until today, I can't look her in the eyes and she is showing some signs that she doesn't want me near. Since my sissy left, I can count how many times we ate together. She always leave me while she's going for shopping or somewhere. She is totally shut me out of her zone. My mother refused to bonding with me.

The aftermath, if I were married one day with my other half, I don't want to have a child. The impact of what she did to me, I don't want it happens to my children. I don't want them to feel how I feel; ignored, unloved, divided, left behind. If this is karma, I don't want it to cycle in my family and my generation. I need to stop that.

Acne 101: Is Exercising Can Give You Pimple?

Assalammualaikum and Hello People!

To have a better life, I have been regularly exercising almost everyday for 30-60 minutes. Plus, I am currently eating healthy and clean diet. However, I was quite surprise my face was covered with acne! Oh dear, don't get me wrong. Don't stop exercising because it can cause you acne. Today, I would like to share with you whether exercising and acne are interrelated or not?

Exercising makes you sweating. While sweat is made mostly of water, with small amounts of ammonia, urea, salts and sugar. When you sweat, these impurities are flushed from your skin. But what does that mean for people who are prone to acne? It might help, but it doesn't necessarily hurt, say the experts at the Children’s Hospital of Colorado (CHC). Sweat in itself neither fights acne nor causes it; but the increased blood flow, unclogging of pores from sweating, and stress reduction that result from exercise may all benefit the acne sufferer, says the CHC.

However, there's long been a rumor that a good sweat will actually clean out your pores, but science says that's not the case. Sweat glands and oil pores are two different things, so not only does sweat not clean out oil pores, but it might actually make things worse. For one, irritants like dust and dirt are more likely to stick to moist skin, which can lead to clogged pores. Here is how acne develops:

In simple word, exercising is good for your skin as the activity flush out toxins from your body through your sweat glands however, dirt and bacteria can still clog up your oil pores as it enjoy humid and  moist surface. What you want to avoid is doing anything to exacerbate skin problems or cause irritation. So, please do not stop exercising and there are ways to combat the acne caused by bacteria and dirt by following my tips below.

1- Avoid tight clothing. Avoid wearing clothing that rubs against your skin during exercise, and if you wear a helmet, hat, sunglasses or other protective equipment while you move, clean it often as these sweaty surfaces can collect dirt and oil that can be transferred to your skin. Wear lightweight, breathable and unrestrictive clothing and change out of it soon after a tough workout.

2- Wash your hands. To avoid spreading germs, wipe equipment down before and after use and wash your hands after you work out. Bring along your hand-sanitiser or anti-bacterial wipes can be very useful. Ignore what other people might think about you (germ-freak) as this habit may prevent you from getting any serious diseases.

3- Avoid touching your face. Touching your skin increases the risk of clogging your pores with bacteria and oils, especially if your hands are already picking up bacteria and germs from touching workout equipment. If you need to wipe excess sweat, blot your skin with a clean, dry towel and avoid rubbing or wiping the skin with your hands, shirt or towel. For those with longer hair, wearing hair back and keeping your hair or bangs off of your face can prevent additional dirt and oil from clogging your pores.

4-Cleanse gently. To prevent acne flare-ups and scars, gently clean your skin with a mild cleanser twice a day (morning and night) and after heavy exercise. Fight your bad fats and cellulite then take a deep-cleanse shower afterward. Use anti-bacterial soap would be helpful. Disinfect your workout cloths, equipments, towels, bottles and everything can prevent you from bacteria. 

5-Hydrate. Drink plenty of H20 to replace water lost during workouts. Proper hydration will keep your entire body functioning properly. Drink lot of water help to replenish fluids inside your body and balance out the body pH. This habit helps you to remove most of the toxins and cleanse your internal organs and blood.

Thanks for reading.

p/s: Am not a medical practitioner nor fitness instructor. Am just enjoy reading medical and fitness texts.